My mood today is an odd one. I am slowly getting myself on track. Not sure if I mentioned in the last post, but I'm starting off the first week with just no fast food and then moving on to getting rid of soda and then to counting points. One step at a time, slow and steady wins the race and all those other great motivational cliches. Anyway, so far I'm doing well with that.

My odd mood really hasn't nothing to do with my diet- I just figured I'd update. My odd mood came while driving to work this morning. I was thinking about all the cheating/leaving/divorcing that has been going on with the ladies at 2Peas. There is seriously an abnormal amount. So I was thinking about how I would feel if my marriage ended right now. Right now I think I'd be able to handle it. Yes, we've been together a long time and I love him with everything I am, but I do think since it has only been a short while since we've officially been married, it wouldn't have quite the same blow. Ten years and a few children will probably change that outlook, but right now I don't think I'd be devastated and looking for a way out of life. This led to the realization that I was actually thinking that I'd be okay with myself on my own, without someone validating me. That's a crazy thing, because it's not my usual thought process, so it's obvious why I felt the need to document it.

Another thing I've been considering recently is my perfectionism. I've never really thought of myself as a perfectionist, as I have a messy desk at home and I'm overweight, (Can you really be a perfectionist if you're not paying attention to what you eat?) but my MIL recently said that I was and it's been in and out of my mind ever since. I guess, in some ways, I am. It bothers me that the brickwork DH and FIL did last summer is not perfect, it bothers me that the under-the-counter cd player in the kitchen is not wired up through the cabinet-leaving the cord hanging uselessly against the wall, it bothers me if I make something and it doesn't turn out exactly the way I've imagined. In fact, I will sometimes stop doing something if I don't think I'm good enough at it. Hence the reason I haven't done as many pages recently.

Anyway, I'm babbling. The perfectionist thinking has me wondering exactly why it is that I'm not thin-if I am, in fact, such a perfectionist. What is it about me that keeps enabling my eating habits? It's not necessarily that I over eat, it's more that I consistently choose the wrong foods. So, other than taste, why? Why do I keep myself this way? I've considered the whole fearing men thing, and I just don't think that's it. I think fearing everyone holds more water. I'm definitely going to have to go back through Dr. Phil's book and re-analyze everything. Maybe if I deal with all the emotional baggage it will make everything else that much easier.

I'm sitting here watching the Rose Bowl, pissed off like nothing else that Michigan is playing like shit. I don't like to talk crap, and I love my team, but come on.... they are playing like shit. SHIT! It is 31-11 right now. Are you kidding me? Anyway.

So day one of lifestyle change begins with a week long, no fast food deal. I am going to go through what is already in the house, including the Pepsi we have left from last night. Week 2 and 3 will lead into full out point counting. At the moment, eliminating fast food will give me a decent drop of a few pounds. But I'm not kidding myself, I'm not going to eat crazy stuff either.