It was not a good weekend for Fenris. Not at all. Even with central air, he'd much rather be downstairs on the concrete than up here with us. It's hot, so I understand, I just want to keep an eye on him. I got a refill today on his Rx so I needed him to come upstairs, get some water, take his pill, use the bathroom. Basic things. He is hardly eating.

I had to carry him upstairs. He's lost weight because he's so sick, but he still weighs a good 90 or so pounds and I had to half carry, half drag him which made me feel horrible. I finally get him up here and lure him with an all beef hotdog to take his pill. He absolutely refused to eat it, and this is a dog that will usually jump all over an ice cube, let alone a piece of hot dog. He went to his hiding spot under the table (although a dog that big can never really 'hide') and I had to put his water bowl under his face to get him to drink from it.

I had one hell of a time with those pills. I finally had to open his mouth and force him to take them. He dies without them, so it wasn't an option. Although, I'm beginning to think we really need to let him do that. When he's not eating, can barely walk...... I think it's time we let him go. But we can't bring ourselves to take him in and have him put to sleep.

That's the messed up part. He'll go a few days like this where I just think he's in too much pain and it is better for him if we put him to sleep, and then he'll get this crazy burst of energy. He'll be back to his happy self for a week or more and then we'll have a few more days like this. So I can't make myself take him in, knowing that he might have a few more happy days if we keep him here.

But God, this is killing both of us. I get down on the floor with him and just hold him and cry. He's my baby, and I hate that he is going through this. He's only 4 years old! Why him? We got him from the pound, three years ago, he was already full grown and we were really looking for a puppy. We saw him in that cage, so sad looking, but so big and strong.........and we were drawn to him. We left, thinking we'd come back another day, but on the way home we started talking about him, and I started bawling and we turned around and went back.

He was neutered already so we only had to pay $10 to bring him home. $10!! It was a running joke with us that that was the best $10 we'd ever spent because he is the BEST DOG either of us has ever owned. Never once, even on days we'd be stuck at work for hours after normal, never once did he go to the bathroom in the house. There were times where I'd have expected him to. It has happened one time since he's been sick, but that's because of the pills. Other than that, never.

He loves having visitors. Loves my brother, my sister and my mom and can't get enough of Tom's nephew and Dad. And the relationship he has with our cat is absolutely amazing. They are so close. It's going to break my heart when he goes. I know it won't be long, the lymphoma is really starting to take over, but I just wish there could be a different outcome.